Something old. Something new. Something borrowed. Something blue.
All applicable to my dating-romantic-sex life.
In the past year, there have been TWO men, that have left a mark. Three others that made a brief appearance and a quick exit. And one I can’t talk about here. I’ll focus on the Significant:
1) I unexpectedly fell in love with a still married, but separated, single man who lived in the apartment in my backyard. Yep, HIM. The one I write about. 30-something. Blue eyes. Funny. Kind. Vulnerable. Smart. Interesting. Eager. Dangerous. Adventurous. BMX/MotorCross-er…and he had rope. So HOT (he would hate that I called him that). A pleasurable mix between rough and sweet. Few texts, many calls. We were on, we were off. We were way on, we were WAY off. Then, we were On? and then wait, what happened? are we off? yeah, we’re off. I’ve written about our connection enough already, so let’s carry on.
2) 20-something. Squirrely. Funny. Magnetic. Intelligent. Sweet. Dirty. Complex. Musician. Writer. Poet. Raw. Old punk. Music Snob (he’s going to hate that I wrote that). Eyes so dreamy I rarely look him in the face and the. most. beautiful. mouth. His smile melts my face. Girls swoon all over him for all of the obvious reasons above. I have always been honest about my intentions with him. He’s a texter, not a caller. He has all the right steamy words, but never matching actions. We’ve been out a handful of times and each time we’re like when magnets just bounce off of each other – never able to connect. I am very comfortable with him but he is obviously very uncomfortable with me. It’s bizarre. And confusing.
This isn’t about them, it’s about me. I have such a massive craving for closeness and connection, that I continually say yes to that which is clearly broken. I’m aware of this bad habit and I think I figured out why I allow it:
I used to cut myself off from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE if even one teeny tiny thing was off. If I didn’t like it or understand it, if it annoyed me, was too needy or even looked at me funny I’d immediately cut it off and shut it out, never to be considered again…..And I wondered why my life lacked connection..…I have since practiced the opposite of that, remaining open to any possible opportunity and/or outcome and yet I find myself in an equally destructive pattern of allowing it back in, thinking “Well, what if THIS time, it works?”
STOP IT, self.
“Refraining comes about spontaneously when you see how your neurotic action works. You may say to yourself, ‘It would still feel good; it still looks like it would be fun,’ but you refrain because you already know the chain reaction of misery that it sets off.” – from Start Where You are, Pema Chodron.
Oh so THAT’S how to break the pattern!? I should stop doing what I’ve always done?
facepalm
